I was approached by a client who had been advised by a family law solicitor to hire a Divorce Coach before hiring a lawyer.
Really, you might ask? Why? Well, here is her story:
When I look back at the three months after my husband left, I don’t really have a clear mental image. The memories are foggy, a blur of long days and even longer nights. I didn’t know which way to turn, what to do. I was often overwhelmed by all the emotions I was feeling. The life I had believed I had was suddenly not there anymore, and I didn’t know what my future would look like. Overnight, everything had changed.
I was afraid of so many things — of being alone, of being a single parent, of feeling lonely, that I would never feel better. I was also afraid of being pitied and judged, for having a ‘failed marriage’.
At that point in time, I was unable to make any decisions. And yet I knew there were a multitude of decisions looming ahead of me — about my home, my job, our children, my future. And I had what felt like a million questions — how would I manage? What would be the best decisions for me? When would I feel better? How much control would I have over the outcome? What would life look and feel like in 6 months, or a year? Would I lose touch with joint friends? What would happen to my relationship with my in-laws? Where would my children go to school? How would I afford to live? And fundamentally, who was I, now that I was no longer a wife?
I understand now that I was paralysed by shock and fear.
What I needed at that time was some help with how to handle those emotions, how to manage each day, how to take some control back over my life, and how to start to move forward in baby steps.
I had fantastic friends and family, who listened, made tea, dropped off meals, and spoke to me on the phone for hours, night after night. Those friends and family were a lifeline, and I would not have got through it without them. But they weren’t always independent, or impartial.
They saw me struggling, they were worried for me, and they were often angry on my behalf. I was the first person amongst my friends and family to be divorced, so we were all working it out as we went along, in the best way we knew how, taking one day at a time.
What I really needed at that time was help from someone who would be independent, non-judgemental, to whom I could safely express my deepest fears and worries, and who would help me to face the future head on. Someone who could help me begin to imagine a new future and then help me move towards that new vision.
What I needed was a Divorce Coach!
I was lucky in that my initial appointment with that family law solicitor, a month after our separation began, was with a fabulous woman whose first piece of powerful advice was that I didn’t need to do anything at all just yet. It was better, she said, to work out what I wanted first, so that when I eventually went back to see her, I would be clear in my instructions. That, she told me, would save me a lot of heartache and a lot of financial expense in the long run.
I will be forever grateful for that advice, as it gave me permission to stop, take stock, and concentrate on me.
With the help of my Coach I was ready, able and equipped to instruct that same solicitor to start progressing my divorce to its legal and financial conclusion.
Mrs A Simmonds, Worcester